Update

"Obstacles are like wild animals.  They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can.  If they see you are afraid of them, they are liable to spring upon you; but if you look them squarely in the eye, they will slink out of sight."  --Orison Swett Marden

The past four months have been quite the journey.  In many ways it was been the worst time in my life, full of heartbreak and pain, surgeries and illness.  However, thankfully the mental part of that was mostly only at the beginning.  In other ways, this has been the best time in my life, full of more blessings than I can possibly count, more love than I've ever known before.

I'm over halfway done with chemo!  This Friday, I will be getting my sixth round, with only two more to after that.  I can't believe I only have three left to you!  It seems only a short time ago I was looking at the total eight, thinking I'd never be finished.  I was so scared the first time the doctor said the word "chemotherapy."  However, I've survived.  The first four I had two drugs together--adriamycin and cytoxan.  Nasty stuff!  The first one was the worst.  I was down for close to a week.  I was so nauseous.  The other three were better, but still felt pretty sick after each one.  At my last one, my doctor said, "You're done with the nasty stuff.  I think you'll do better with these last four."  I prayed he was right.  My last four are a drug called taxol.  I've only had one of these so far.  I was so scared before the first one because I was told that I could have a very bad allergic reaction, which, thankfully, I didn't.  I wasn't nauseous this time, but I had really bad bone aches a few days after treatment.  Every bone from my waist down hurt for days.  I'm feeling better though and ready for round six because that puts me one step closer to being done!

I've now had several surgeries, not all of them planned.  First, of course, I had my mastectomy in December to remove the cancer.  The surgery went well and they started reconstruction during the same surgery, putting in tissue expanders after they cut everything out.  However, I ended up with an infection in one and having to have surgery to get one expander removed.  I was devastated.  If I hadn't already felt awful enough about my current looks, I now had a lopsided chest.  I guess you should be careful what you wish for because my stitches weren't even out on that side when I developed an infection in the other side and found myself back in the hospital.  On the bright side, I am no longer lopsided.  haha  I don't look so pretty though without a shirt on though;)  My doctor wants to give my immune system some time to reboot, but this summer reconstruction will begin anew about two months after chemo is done.  Tissue expanders will go back in sometime in July, then my lovely plastic surgeon will switch them for something more permanent around October/November.  Guess I'll have an early Christmas present:)

Hair Loss-That was a big step for me.  No matter how many times you prepare yourself mentally for it, you're never ready.  The first time my hair started to fall out I was in the shower.  I stood there and sobbed. However, my biggest fear was not about how I'd look, but about how my baby girl would react.  Would she be scared of me?  Would she even know me?  But- I have realized through all this that I have the best, smartest, sweetest baby girl in the world (don't tell me I'm biased haha).  When I saw her the first time after leaving the hair salon, she simply smiled and me with her arms outstretched and said the best thing in the world--Mommy!  Since that hair appointment, I have had many people make me feel better about my lack of hair.  However, my daughter is still the best.  She rubs my head and smiles.  When I wear a hat or bandana, she wants to wear a hat or bandana.  Our favorite game involves trying them on and dancing around the living room together.  What's better than that? 

Now- the good stuff!  I have never felt more blessed.  I didn't realize how much good there was in the world until I had to deal with the bad.  I have had so many people touch my life in ways that I'll never be able to repay.  I feel gratitude that I'll never be able to adequately express.  For example, I have received probably over 100 cards.  Even though it's months since my diagnosis, I still get them.  People send me words of encouragement, prayers, and pep talks.  God must send them messages too because it always seems that when I'm having a bad day, I go to my mailbox and there's a happy card waiting for me.  Never underestimate the power of cards.  I did before this.  I want to send more cards to people now that I know the power they have.  These cards give me strength.  In fact, I often carry my big bag of them to chemo and look at them.  I think of it as carrying my prayers with me:D  Besides the cards, I have gotten countless gifts (which also always come at the right time), offers of help, put on prayer lists, etc.  People just keep on amazing me with their generosity and kindness.  My group of friends at work alone have done more for me than I can ever repay.  I can only hope that when all this is said and done that I have a long and healthy life to pay it forward.  

My husband--He is the strongest man I know and his faith in me has never wavered.  Even in the beginning when I was a hot mess as I learned to accept all this, Josh saw my strength and somehow got me to believe in me.  I still remember when I found my lump and was awaiting results of the biopsy, Josh said, "I can't promise it's not anything bad Sara, but I do know you'll be ok."  He believed in me.  He believed that even if I had a fight on my hands that I could conquer anything.  I'm not sure what I'd do without him.  He's been my rock.

My daughter--Ahh- my hope, my heart, my survival.  So many people have acted like I'm so strong for living my life pretty normally through this (or at least as normal as possible).  They talk to me like I'm some kind of hero.  What they don't get is that my daughter is the hero.  I'm merely doing what has to be done.  I have no other option.  There isn't any other choice but to get up each day and live life to the fullest.  My daughter deserves that.  My daughter deserves a mom who is active and who has a smile on her face.  She deserves a mom that will play and dance, laugh and sing.  She deserves home-cooked meals and a clean house.  She deserves a mom who loves her job and tries her best at it.  She deserves a mom who's also a good wife, daughter, sister, and friend.  She deserves a mom who will live a long life and be there for her.  She deserves a mom who is a survivor.  I do all this for her.  

And so, I will survive all this.  Come June, I plan to walk in the Race for the Cure as a survivor:D I will have my daughter, husband, family, and friends with me as we walk in that beautiful sea of pink.  I already have learned so much about myself, life, and the goodness of God and people.  I know I have many more lessons to learn.  I also pray each night that God will help me use this.  I don't want to be a hero, but I do want to teach, inspire, and motivate.  I want to give others hope and courage.  I want them to see God's goodness.