“John was going at it immediately and
intuitively, grooving on it. I was going
at it in terms of underlying form. He
was going at it in terms of immediate appearance. I was seeing what the shim meant. He was seeing what the shim was.
That’s how I arrived at the distinction.
And when you see what the shim is,
in this case, it’s depressing. Who likes
to think of a beautiful precision machine fixed with an old hung of junk?”
--Robert M. Pirsig
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance
This upcoming school year, I will be teaching a new
class. For the first time, I will be
teaching seniors! Not only will I be
teaching seniors, but I will be teaching honors seniors earning dual-credit
through the community college. It’s a
little intimidating to say the least.
Therefore, part of my summer is being spent preparing for this new
juncture in my life. As part of that
preparation, I am reading Zen and the Art
of Motorcycle Maintenance. I will be
honest—I tried to begin this novel months ago.
I tried and failed. I didn’t give
it much of a shot either, as I only read the first chapter and was so bored
that I put it aside for the next couple of months. I must say, it was a little frightening. I thought to myself, “If I cannot make myself
read more than the first chapter of this book, how in the hell am I going to
get seniors in high school to not only read this book, but enjoy it and learn
from it?”
Fast forward a couple of months, when literally made myself read past the first chapter. Regardless of how bored I am, I have to teach
this book first semester, so I have to read it.
I’m so thankful I pushed past chapter oneJ Don’t get me
wrong, some parts of the book are still utterly boring. However, I have always enjoyed philosophy and
the philosophical teachings in this book are interesting and
thought-provoking. For example, I have
been thinking about the section of the book that I put at the beginning of this
all week long. In the novel, the
narrator talks a couple of different times about what something means vs. what
it is. I have never really thought about
the difference, but it really seems to fit a lot of things in my life right
now.
Friday, I went for my six weeks post-chemo checkup with
my oncologist. Also that day, I was able
to get my port out and I had to get bloodwork.
Going into this appointment, I was least nervous about my port removal,
as putting it in was no big deal.
However, taking it out was another story. While they sedated me for the first, they did
not do so taking it out. Not only do I
not relish the idea of someone slicing me open while I’m awake, no matter how
small the cut, I also have a VERY hard time sitting still and quiet. However, this is what I had to do for 45
minutes on Friday, more than a little scared.
Not to mention the fact that they certainly did not put enough of
whatever local anesthetic on my incision spot.
What they did put on wore off by the time we got to the stitches part—I
didn’t say a word though because I was so ready to be done that I didn’t want
to prolong the process. Walking out of
the room to go find my mom afterwards, I was thinking about how much I disliked
the experience and complaining to myself.
Then, for some reason, my mind wandered back to my senior novel. I stopped the negative thoughts in my head
because I thought of the difference between what something is and what it
means. If I simply thought about what
that experience was—it sucked. It was
long, scary, and painful. However, if I
thought about what it means—AMAZING! It
means that my port was out! It means
chemo is over!! It means I’m a survivor!
Woo hoo!
On another note- the rest of
my appointment went well. The doctor is
putting me on a pill called Tamoxifin (think I spelled that right?) for a while
since my tumor was estrogen positive. It
has been proven to cut the rate of occurrence.
While it can have side effects just like any other drug, most of the
people I’ve talked to on it have handled it well. While my tumor was positive for both progesterone
and estrogen, it was only just so—therefore he said that if I decide in a few
years that I want to have another baby, I would be at no extra risk in doing
so. I will have to be off the pills I’m
on now though, but he was also not worried about that. So… we’ll see what Josh and I decide and what
the Lord has in store for our family.
Right not I’m going to enjoy the little girl I have because she’s pretty
greatJ I go back to the oncologist in three months
for another checkup.
Now it’s time to pray for
the rest of my medical issues the next few weeks. Next Tuesday, June 26, I go back to the
surgeon for my 6 month checkup. It seems
like such a big milestone-6 months since the cancer was taken out. So- I’m pretty excited, but nervous at the
same time. I really feel like all is
well, but I will be much happier to hear it from the doctor as well. So, I’m praying to God to continue to take
care of me for this appointment. Then, I
turn around on July 2nd and get tissue expanders back in. My philosophical musings apply to this as
well. As it is—it’s another surgery with
drains so that’s a downer. However… when
I think about what it means—It means that life goes on and that I get to be put
back together againJ Thankfully, I get to celebrate with my
amazing family and friends on the 30th before surgery. Since they are so amazing, I know they are
coming to celebrate with me, to celebrate me getting through chemo and
hopefully an end to ugly part of the past 6 months. I will be celebrating them though,
celebrating the fact that God has blessed me with such great people in my
life. <3
Survivors:D
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