Hope and Love Prevail

Hope and Love Prevail

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will." -Mahatma Gandhi 

            In fifty-nine minutes and counting my relationship with chemo comes to a close, hopeful for good.  I remember when the word “chemo” was first mentioned to me and I totally lost it.  Then, when I found out that I would be facing sixteen weeks with this fearful companion, I felt worse.  It seemed like I would never be able to overcome this obstacle and the end would never come.  However, now that I am sitting here for my last hour of drugs, I realize it was not quite as awful as I had feared.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t fun.  I had plenty of days where I wished I could pull the covers over my head.  I had days where I was so nauseous, where my legs felt like they would fall off, where I didn’t know if I could do this.  Fortunately for me, I have such beautiful people in my life.  First, God has given me strength and courage I didn’t realize I had in me.  He has made my already strong faith ever stronger.  My beautiful baby girl has given me the love and hope I needed to get up and truly live even when I felt awful.  Through my husband’s strength and never-ending faith in me, I have learned to have faith in myself.  My unbreakable bond with my family has shown me that some things in this world truly are unbreakable.  My friends have shown me what true friendship really means as they have supported me in ways only true friends would (and I know people say you know who your true friends are in times of need, but not a single one of my friends has let me down!).  Strangers have shown me that truly is still goodness in the world.  Because of these people, I sit here today with my spirit intact.  My body may have been through the ringers since December.  I may not have hair or breasts.  I may have physical scars that time will fade, but never completely erase.  However, my spirit is stronger than ever.  Every single day, I have asked God to please let me a survivor.  I have also, every day, added that I wanted to get there with my head held high, a smile on my face, fire in my eyes, and faith and love in my heart.  With His help, I would NOT let cancer break me.  I would NOT hide.  I would NOT be ashamed.  I would NOT let my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, my students, my co-workers, anyone who needed me, be let down.  I’d like to think I have succeeded in this endeavor. 

            It seems surreal to sit here knowing that this is the last one.  I hope that it has all been enough.  I know that parts have been awful, but it still seems too small a price to pay for life.  My hope is that this really is the end and I can move forward to more positive ventures.  I know I still have some surgeries coming up, but I hope that they are positive with no complications.  I hope by the end of 2012, I am complete and whole once again and can move forward.  While I want to move forward and put things like chemo in the back of my mind, many things have happened that I do not want to forget.  I never want to take life for granted again.  I want to cherish each and every second I have.  I want to help people.  I want others like me to know they aren’t alone, and I hope they’ll come to me if they need it and not ever suffer in silence.  I’d like to show my students that adversity doesn’t mean you have to act out and be stuck because of your circumstances.  I’d like to motivate and inspire.  I want to help.  I want to be someone who my daughter is proud claim as mommy, even when she is a teenager and doesn’t like everything I have to say.  I hope the Lord will lead me to the people that I can help.  I think He has already started.

            I also don’t want to lose the strength and faith I have found in myself.  I never knew I had so much.  I still don’t think of myself as brave or inspirational or anything else that others have said I am.  I am just a twenty-seven-year-old wife and mother.  I’m just a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a granddaughter, a niece, and zillions of other roles.  However, I do know that each and every person who gets cancer (or has any other terrible thing happen to them) is one of these things as well.  And, so, I am so glad so many are willing to fight for a cure so that hopefully one day, people won’t have to go through all of this. 

            A final update for now—I will see my oncologist in six more weeks to go over plans for the future, get blood work, and, thankfully, get this darn port out.  I am fairly certain I will be put on a pill for the next five years, but we’ll talk more about that in June.  In July, I will meet with my surgeon, as it will be six months since they took the cancer out of my body.  If all goes well, I will also get tissue expanders put back in sometime in July.  I know I’ve already asked for so many, but please say some prayers that all of these things go well.  I really do not want any more awful surprises.  As I’ve said before, I feel and hope and pray that it is finally time to move forward.

            And so, thank you to all of those who have helped me reach this day.  I know that I can never fully repay you all for your kindnesses, but I can promise you I will do my damndest to pay it forward.  

            In one week, we will celebrate Mother’s Day.  By then, the effects of this round of chemo should have worn away.  I can’t think of a better present.   I know that I will spend that weekend with my family and I will give my little girl an extra hug…. or maybe a dozen extra hugs ;) 

My inspiration :D